What a glorious day it is when two of my preferred amusements become besties.
By now, folks that have read any of my blogs can deduce that I am a HUGE fan of sex. What’s not to love, am I right? But, you may not know that sports are in my delight basket too. Baseball in particular. Just like sex, I like the sensations of the game. The excitement, the energy, the smells, the intricacies, the sounds…all of it.
America’s favorite pastime (wait, are we talking sex or baseball here?!) has spent a lot of time in the spotlight and in pop culture. My hometown, Houston, recently took home the Commissioner’s Trophy when they won the World Series for our city. Since then, baseball has been on all of our minds. Here’s where I pop in to bring sex into the equation. Unless you live under a rock, I’m sure we have all heard the baseball sex metaphors related to bases, but I’d like to break it wide open. Let’s learn a few things about “ball.” Trust me, your hubby will love it.
I am a sucker for the WHYS, so let’s take a quick break for this short history lesson.
A famous 1920s comedian, Buster Keaton adored baseball and often used it in his work. The nation followed suit, and the game showed up in other areas like politics. When World War II came, a time when things felt confusing, speakers used baseball to drive home the details of what was happening around the globe. It didn’t take long for people to apply similar sensibility to sex.
Years later, in the 70s, Meatloaf joined the game with his song “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” in which the lyrics describe a baseball announcer illustrating how a player (the couple) is rounding the bases in a game. AND you know it’s the real deal when Urban Dictionary gets on board. In 2004, they posted a definition for third base!
I like to think of myself as a sexual connoisseur, but I must admit the innuendoes have me lost sometimes. What is 3rd base exactly? I found a cute little memory booster called the 4 F’s that define the bases for us.
French, Feel, Finger, F@ck
Now that we are all on the same playing field, let’s explore a glossary of baseball/sex expressions. (I intend to add to my sexting arsenal with my fresh lingo.)
- First Base – Kissing
- Second Base – Petting
- Third Base – Oral Sex
- Home Base/Scoring – Intercourse
Oh, but there are so many more. Any baseball fan knows pitching can make or break a game of ball.
- Pitcher’s Mound – Giving anal sex
- Catcher’s Box – Receiving anal sex
- The Strike Zone – Anywhere between the nipples and thighs
- The Bull Pen – Masturbating
Some will argue that all the positions are important to the game. (See what I did there.)
- Left Field – Double penetration
- Center Field – The addition of water
- Right Field – A side hug
- Shortstop – Dry humping
- Home Dugout – My place
- Away Dugout – Your place
Now we are entering the specifics realm of sex…I mean, baseball.
- A Double Play – Recognizing and blocking two-timing cheaters
- A Triple – Skipping foreplay and going straight to putting their junk in your mouth
- Tagging Up (no one’s fav) – Returning to making out when a traveling palm gets smacked away
- Base Coaching – Dirty talking
- On Deck – The guy who is waiting in the lurks for you to be single
- Clean Up Batter – Always able to run the bases and SCORE
- Benches Cleared – Orgy
- Strikeout – You’ve failed (sexually)
- Juiced – Taking Viagra
- Balk – Going in for the hug and changing it to a kiss
- Caught in the Rundown – Fumbling with her bra
- Pinch Hitter – The person that gets to play the game, after you’ve put in the work
- 7th Inning Stretch – Charlie horse caused pause
- Called Game – Your children (or anyone for that matter) walks in
- Backdoor Slider – Accidentally going anal
- Inside the Park Homerun – Early ejaculation while its still in his pants (BOOOOO)
I feel enlightened.
We could sit and debate that any sport can be turned into an innuendo. True. I can’t argue that point. Honestly, I’ve made it a personal goal to find an innuendo in the most mundane parts of life. It’s fun. I must bring to your attention, though, that the very essence of the game is found in the equipment. The boys of summer literally play with their bat and balls. It doesn’t get any more phallic. With that imagery, I am ready to watch my ‘Stros get a win. AND of course, I encourage you all to go forth and “PLAY BALL!”