There are two drops of blood that are forever stained in my mind. Two drops on a tile floor in the emergency room that signaled an end to a precious beginning. They can never be wiped clean, they stay with me, but they do not leave me in despair.
It all began in October of 2014. One Sunday morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive and we were pregnant! My husband and I had tried to have a child for over a year, and this was the most precious news to begin my morning. We were ecstatic! We would finally be parents! After church, we let our close family and friends know so that they could be celebrating and praying with us for a healthy child. I took tests out of disbelief for a few more days, all confirming that I was pregnant. It was a wonderful time of celebration and excitement, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Four days later, everything changed.
First there was a little spotting, and then the bleeding grew along with cramping and pain. My heart dropped when I saw the blood. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, no breath left in my lungs to tell my husband what had happened. He picked me up and we went to the hospital. It was at the hospital that two drops of blood hit the hospital floor as the doctor came in with the results. Seeing those drops, I knew before he had even uttered a word that our child was gone. For some reason, those drops signaled the end of it all for me.
We weren’t alone.
Having a miscarriage was gut wrenching and painful beyond compare. But it was also this strange time of hope and joy which we know only came from the Father who was comforting us, mourning with us and encouraging us. I am so incredibly grateful for those four days we had with our first child. You see, I shouldn’t have known I was pregnant. I had no signs of pregnancy, and we had given up trying for a child a while ago as we transitioned jobs. That Sunday, however, I woke up with a feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I feel like that desire was from God. He let me know we had a child, let us celebrate for those four days before we lost that child, and then let us know He was with us the whole time- in the ER, in the house, in every moment we could just feel His presence and Him holding us close, and holding us together. I have never felt such joy and pain at the same time.
Of course, we did not always handle everything perfectly. Satan attacked me a lot with thoughts of guilt and despair. There were so many accusations and fears in my head. I felt my body had failed, I felt it was my fault we lost our child, and feared we would never have children. Thoughts ran through my head in the darkness of night. “What if you had been healthier? What if you had done something different? Why would God allow this to happen? Is He still good?” But the worst thought of all was that I had nothing tangible to hold on to remember that child. His teeny tiny body must have been flushed down the toilet with the blood, which bathed me in guilt as a parent.
Luckily, through it all, God continued to remind me of His love for us. I felt Him mourning with us. At night, when I couldn’t sleep, I could feel His presence wrapping around me. I could hear His words combatting the lies in my head. He was clinging to me even when I was doubting Him. He was filling me with hope, and reminding me that He works all things together for good and for His glory.
We name our baby Eliyah Taylor (which means “The Lord is my God, and “forever beautiful”) and gave it to God knowing we will get to meet that sweet boy or girl someday in Heaven. The one thing I asked of God after we lost Eliyah was that that child’s life would still have purpose on this earth. That’s really all I want because I have great joy in knowing that Eliyah is safe with God. I know God still has a purpose for that child. My hope is that God can use our story to comfort others in their time of grief.
He is still good.
He loves you so much.
The loss of a child never goes away on this earth. My heart still hurts for that loss. But, I am not left in despair. There is hope. There is always hope in Christ. My child, and many others, are with Him, waiting for us to be called home as well. Every time I think of Eliyah, I can’t help but think of the wonderful love of Christ and His redemption and comfort He alone has given me. I never forget Eliyah and I think of my child daily. Which means I am daily drawn to thinking about the love that Christ has shown me and the gift God gave me in letting me know I had that child. Eliyah’s life now continually points me to the gospel of Christ. Christ died so that I may live and walk in the promises of God. In Him, I know I will be with my child in Heaven and am not limited by the brokenness of this earth. I can be content and have hope because this earth is not the end of my journey.
October 15 is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.
In 1988, President Ronald Reagan made a profound statement:
One in four pregnancies end in devastating loss. If you or someone you love is going through pregnancy or infant loss, I would urge you to reach out and not go through it alone. We are designed to be in community with others so that we may lift each other up and lean on each other in the tough times. Through comforting others, we can find comfort for ourselves as well. A wonderful ministry online, with resources and community, is Hope Mommies. https://hopemommies.org
This subject means a lot to me, because through loss, Satan tried so hard to make me believe all the lies he had to say. He came to steal, kill and destroy, but, through Christ I am strong. I can rise above the grief to find hope and comfort, and in turn, hopefully I can comfort others.
You are loved.