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Setting the Stage
Picture this. Women of different ages, various backgrounds, and born on opposite ends of the Earth gathered as a new friendship tribe. Each eager to absorb the other, but reluctant to unveil vulnerability until the cork is popped. That hesitance is socially ingrained and difficult to overcome for a woman who is criticized daily for every action, reaction, and word her body does NOT give a voice to, but others hear, like overweight women are lazy, thin women are bitchy, or women with breast augmentation are bimbos. Untruths but heard by sight alone. That goes for every subject!
Don your black robe and gavel as you sit as judge to another female’s clothing choice, career path, body shape, parenting, and sexuality. We all do it, if even on a subconscious level. Who wants to be the sacrificial lamb who speaks first? Enter the loosening effect of alcohol and an open midwife who doesn’t own a sexual filter. The night just hit the genuine jackpot as conversation becomes authentic. Let me just say… being real is liberatingly joyous. Try it sometime.
Court is in Session
For now, let’s stick with the judicial vibe. Court is now in session as I present my opening statement…
I realize many consider the life of a sexual nomad to be optimal, but I find the apex to be strong roots of perfection acquired through years of practice. In order to be appreciated, it sometimes takes living the vigorous vagabond lifestyle first. Often it takes the foul face of the seven-year itch and the marriage plague we all know as infidelity to wake up. We all have a story. It’s when we come from behind the shroud of that story’s secrecy and into the glow of sisterhood that we can learn from each other. Half a dozen women and I shared that space and it was magical.
I have discovered a few things over two decades of traveling the same man’s body. I wish I had uncovered these erotic life hacks twenty years ago—a few books, a few adventures, a lot of personal growth, and here I am to share. I am by no means a sex therapist. I am simply in tune with my needs and believe humans, both male and female (although embodying holistically charged differences), are cut from the same fleshy cloth. Women do think like men… trust me.
I present as evidence…
A – “Spank-bank.
” We all own one. Most won’t admit it to the masses because culture coached us into a missionary mind frame. Am I naughty for going to another land in my imagination while I am laying here? Letting images of your favorite experiences with your partner or what you always hoped they would do to you consume the caverns of your thoughts… I had been married for almost ten years before I shared that dirty little secret with my spouse. What a world changer, when your fantasy vault can come to life. Let your flag fly, release the beast, and capture the lovemaking you long for. Men want to please, and women crave pleasure. Who’d a thunk it?
B – We are all into something different.
There is more variety of kink than there are cereal selections on aisle 12 at Walmart as evidenced by all the different types of porn—Bondage, Ethnic, Feminist, Soft-core, Amateur, and even Furry Porn (just to name a few off the top of my head). Porn is not a part of my life, but I say this to recognize that obviously there is diversity in desire. Find your passion and share it with your lover. Men are not mind readers, so they can’t speak your sex, language if you don’t teach them the dialect.
C – Speaking of dialect, dirty talk and sexting goes a long way.
Reveal that side of yourself. The words pop into your head, you know they do. Say them out loud. What is the worst that could happen? Laughter? I bet not. I wage you would be met with a happy and receptive camper.
I recommend a great book, Hot Monogamy. The author saw a need in relationships that lacked communication in the bedroom. The book shares illustrative directives and conversation-provoking exercises that give insight and training into loving and lusty relationships. Media has put the record on repeat. All we hear is find a lover who is right and compatible. I beg to differ. Awesome sex takes talking, collaboration, experience, trial and error, and empathy. Hot Monogamy taught me that even the choice of verbiage is important. For example, you may think your man likes to use the word boob, but have you asked him? I bet his “spank-bank” has a vocabulary all of its own. There are words that crank our car and terms that kill the engine. Like MOIST! Ughhhh. Learn it and let him learn yours.
D – Has someone ever been scratching your back and they are missing the SPOT???
It’s aggravating and frustrating and unrewarding for everyone. We wouldn’t dream of letting it go. “To the left, higher, use nails, a little harder…right there.” Why is that itch worthy of the scratch and other itches aren’t? I say, “Do the same for sex!” If being vocal is not commonplace in your relationship, try speaking direction over something less vulnerable, like a massage. Your partner is not allowed to move, rub, or stroke unless you tell them what to do. Guide them in when you need: more oil or less, warm the oil or cool it down. Every sensation counts. Perhaps you want music or storm sounds. When this exercise becomes stagnant, move on to game time using those same instructional skills. You will be pleasantly shocked to discover what your partner has been wanting all this time and how willing they are to provide for your needs.
Intimacy is a beautiful thing. It isn’t shameful. The diversity that lives in our fantasy is honorable. The most magnificent part is that it is diverse. The exquisiteness of having distinctive minds means it all showcases differently. For some it may resemble a tango in the Red Room with your Mr. Grey. Bruno Mar’s “Gorilla” may be where it’s at for you. And NEVER discount vanilla bean. That is a good flavor too! Or maybe it’s all three of those depending on what day of the week it is! My point is that it is okay to want.
As a Christian woman I have a respect for the intimate relationship God created for us.
What he planned for us does not have to have a lack-luster appeal. On the contrary, the Bible points out that what he has for us is built on a gift that is “very good.” Sexual intimacy and connection are part of his design of us becoming one flesh. Is there anything sexier than that? More proof?
- 1 Corinthians 7:3 tells us that both sides’ needs should be met sexually.
- Proverbs 5: 18-19 hits on ecstasy being a blessing and refers to intoxicating breasts.
- The entire book of Song of Solomon is dedicated to the build up of the type of relationship God planned and includes quite a bit of provocative language and sex. That was all God-breathed and inspired by the Holy Spirit.
Of course, it would not be fair of me to discount the folks who have sexual disorders. Sexual dysfunction is any adversity suffered by a person/couple within normal sexual activity. That could look like issues with physical pleasure, desire, arousal or orgasm. For example, in women there are typically decreases in desire that accompany the hormones of childbirth and breastfeeding. Additionally, the aging process and the menstrual cycle can alter function and desire. Always remember if it is not a problem for you or your lover…it is not a problem. That is your normal.
Most importantly No means NO! and boundaries should be set that include holistic comfort levels. The sexual relationship should be consensual, benefit both partners, and be legal.
A phenomenon exists in new relationships based off lusty excitement and passion. The smoke and mirrors can rob couples who believe the illusion that that level of desire and passion organically remains. Sustainment of conscious intimacy is creating through effort. So work. Hoist the flag sister! NO shame in your sex game. Express your desires, share your spank-bank, be heard (in detail) and understood, and speak each other’s language. We do think like men. Case closed.