Divorce is one of the most heart-wrenching decisions a family can face, and its impact often goes far beyond the legal process. It’s a decision that changes the lives of everyone involved, especially children, who are usually caught in the crossfire of shifting family dynamics. As someone who has witnessed firsthand the ripple effects of divorce on families, I want to approach this sensitive topic with care, compassion, and understanding.
My husband, Ted, and I both come from divorced families. Those experiences left deep and lasting impressions on us as children, shaping how we saw relationships, trust, and the world around us. They also ignited a fierce determination in both of us to create a different kind of story for our own family. Even before we married, we made a pact: no matter how hard things got, we would work together to provide our children with stability, security, and a sense of unity. That commitment has been a cornerstone of our marriage and has seen us through some truly tough times.
But I also recognize that every family is different, and divorce is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Sometimes, it’s the healthiest option for everyone involved. In situations involving abuse, persistent conflict, or irreconcilable differences, staying together may not be what’s best for the family as a whole. This article is not about passing judgment on those decisions. Instead, it’s about shining a light on the often-overlooked reality: divorce can have profound effects on children, and their well-being should always be a central consideration.
As a Certified Nurse Midwife, I’ve had countless conversations with families navigating challenging circumstances. While I don’t have formal training in psychology, my perspective is rooted in these personal and professional experiences, along with years of listening to the stories of friends, clients, and family members. What I’ve learned is that divorce, no matter how necessary or unavoidable, can leave a mark on children that lasts long after the dust has settled.
My goal with this article is simple: to provide thoughtful insights into how divorce can impact children and to share strategies for helping them navigate the transition with as much care and love as possible. For parents facing this difficult decision, I hope to offer encouragement, understanding, and perhaps a few ideas to ease the journey ahead. Because at the heart of every family’s story are the children—innocent bystanders who deserve to feel loved, supported, and protected, even in the midst of change.
The Emotional and Psychological Landscape
When parents divorce, it’s not just the couple’s relationship that changes—it’s the entire family dynamic. For children, this shift can feel like their entire world has been turned upside down. What was once familiar and secure may now seem uncertain and unstable. As children try to understand what’s happening, sadness, anger, confusion, and fear are typical reactions. Many grapple with difficult questions like, “Was this my fault?” or “Will I lose the love or presence of one of my parents?” These feelings can weigh heavily, even on the youngest minds.
Ted and I both remember the emotional toll of growing up in divorced households. While we never doubted our parents’ love for us, the day-to-day realities of a divided family brought a sense of instability that lingered into our teenage years. The uncertainty of navigating two households, witnessing our parents’ struggles, and feeling caught in the middle left an emotional imprint that wasn’t always easy to articulate. Those experiences shaped how we approached our family, but they also gave us a deep empathy for children navigating similar situations today.
Research shows that children of divorce are at an increased risk for emotional challenges, including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Younger children, who may not fully understand what’s happening, often express their distress in ways that are difficult to miss—clinginess, tantrums, and even regression in behaviors like thumb-sucking or bedwetting. These behaviors often stem from a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a longing for the stability they once knew. They may also struggle with separation anxiety, finding it hard to part from one parent even for a short time.
Older children and teens process divorce differently but no less intensely. While they may understand the situation more clearly, they often feel a profound sense of loss and betrayal. This can manifest in anger—toward one or both parents, the situation itself, or even themselves. Teens may rebel, act out in school, or engage in risky behaviors to cope with their emotions. Others may withdraw, becoming distant and uncommunicative as they process their feelings alone. The weight of these emotions can impact their self-esteem, leaving them questioning their place in the world and their value within their family.
Without proper support, these emotional challenges can persist into adulthood, influencing future relationships and mental health. Adults who experienced parental divorce as children may struggle with trust issues, fear of commitment, or lingering feelings of inadequacy. They may carry unresolved pain from feeling caught in the middle of parental conflict or from losing regular contact with one parent. While these outcomes aren’t inevitable, they highlight the importance of providing children with the support they need during and after a divorce.
It’s also worth noting that the way divorce is handled can significantly influence a child’s emotional landscape. High-conflict divorces, where children are exposed to frequent arguments, blame, or hostility, can exacerbate their distress and deepen feelings of insecurity. On the other hand, divorces handled with open communication, cooperation, and a focus on the children’s well-being can help mitigate some of these risks.
Every child processes divorce differently, and their reactions will depend on age, temperament, and the level of support they receive. As parents, extended family, and caregivers, we must be attentive to their emotional needs, providing reassurance and consistency wherever possible. While we can’t entirely shield children from the pain of divorce, we can help them navigate it in ways that foster resilience, self-worth, and the knowledge that they are deeply loved—no matter what.
The Ripple Effects on Academics and Behavior
Beyond the emotional challenges, divorce can notably impact a child’s academic performance and overall behavior. Children processing the changes brought on by a family breakup often experience a decline in focus, motivation, and even self-confidence regarding schoolwork. This isn’t because they lack the ability or intelligence—it’s because so much of their mental energy is consumed by trying to make sense of the upheaval in their personal lives. For children, school may feel like one more area where they’re expected to “keep it together” while struggling internally.
Research consistently shows that children of divorced parents are at a greater risk for academic struggles, including lower grades, difficulty completing assignments, and challenges with standardized testing. The stress and anxiety stemming from divorce can affect their ability to concentrate, retain information, and stay organized. Some children may lose interest in extracurricular activities or social aspects of school because their emotional energy is depleted elsewhere. It’s important to recognize that these academic challenges are not a reflection of a child’s capability but rather a sign of their emotional burden.
Behaviorally, the ripple effects of divorce can manifest in many ways, depending on the child’s personality, age, and coping mechanisms. Some children may externalize their feelings by acting out, becoming defiant, or being overly aggressive at home or school. They might test boundaries as a way of seeking attention or control in an environment that feels increasingly unpredictable. Others may internalize their emotions, withdrawing from friends, family, and activities they once enjoyed. This can lead to feelings of isolation, making it even harder for them to process what they’re going through.
I’ve seen this firsthand in my own family. Ted often shares how his parents’ divorce shaped his personality, making him more introverted and guarded. He became very selective about who he let into his inner circle, maintaining only a few close relationships rather than risk being hurt. On the other hand, his brother Chad took the opposite approach—he became a social butterfly with a large circle of friends and a reputation as the life of the party. As for me, I landed somewhere in the middle. I had a small, trusted group of friends, but I’ve always struggled with fully trusting people and letting them into my life. These different reactions highlight how children can internalize and express the stress of family changes in unique ways, even when growing up in the same household. The effects of divorce on behavior aren’t confined to home life—they can extend into peer relationships and social interactions. A child dealing with divorce may find it harder to trust others, leading to difficulty forming and maintaining friendships. Younger children may regress in social behaviors, becoming clingy or overly dependent on certain friends or adults. In comparison, older children and teens may push others away, fearing rejection or further emotional pain. If left unaddressed, these patterns can shape how a child views relationships well into adulthood.
It’s also important to recognize that how divorce is handled can significantly influence the extent of these behavioral and academic impacts. High-conflict divorces, where children are exposed to frequent arguments or are placed in the middle of disputes, can amplify feelings of insecurity and make it even harder for children to concentrate or behave consistently. On the other hand, a divorce handled with cooperation, open communication, and a focus on the child’s well-being can help mitigate some of these challenges.
Parents, teachers, and caregivers all play a vital role in supporting children during this time. At home, creating a stable routine and being attentive to changes in behavior can help children feel a sense of normalcy amidst the upheaval. Teachers can offer patience and understanding at school, adjusting expectations or providing additional support where needed. And perhaps most importantly, children need to feel reassured that their feelings are valid and deeply loved—no matter what changes happen in their family.
Children are incredibly resilient but also need the right environment to thrive. By recognizing the ripple effects divorce can have on academics and behavior, parents and caregivers can take proactive steps to help children navigate these challenges and emerge stronger on the other side.
The Long-Term Implications of Divorce
The effects of divorce don’t simply fade once the legal proceedings are over or custody arrangements are finalized. For many children, the emotional and psychological ripple effects can extend into adulthood, shaping their views on relationships, self-worth, and career paths. Studies have shown that adults who grew up in divorced families are more likely to experience challenges with trust, intimacy, and commitment. This isn’t to say that all children of divorce will struggle in these areas, but the patterns they witness during their formative years often leave a lasting impression.
One of the most common long-term impacts is difficulty with trust. For children who have seen their parents’ relationship fall apart, the foundation of what a loving, stable partnership looks like may feel shaky. They may question whether love truly lasts or fear vulnerability in their relationships. This lack of trust can manifest in different ways. For example, some may avoid intimacy altogether, keeping their walls up to prevent potential heartache, while others may fall into unhealthy patterns of seeking constant reassurance in their relationships.
Commitment can also be a stumbling block. Adults from divorced families may find themselves hesitant to fully invest in long-term partnerships, worried they’ll repeat the same mistakes they saw in their parent’s marriage. This fear, whether consciously acknowledged or not, can lead to a pattern of self-sabotage in relationships or an overemphasis on independence as a form of self-protection. On the other hand, some individuals may overcorrect, staying in unhealthy relationships longer than they should out of fear of “failing” or repeating the cycle of divorce.
Career choices can also be influenced by growing up in a divorced family. Some individuals may choose careers that provide financial security or flexibility, motivated by a desire to avoid the instability they felt as children. Others may lean into helping professions, such as counseling or education, driven by their experiences to support others in challenging situations. The impact is profoundly personal and varies widely, but it underscores how foundational childhood experiences can shape the adults we become.
For Ted and me, breaking the cycle of divorce was a deliberate and challenging choice. Ted grew up questioning the permanence of relationships and developed a reserved nature, cautious about letting people into his life. For me, watching my parents’ marriage unravel left me wrestling with my fears of instability and mistrust. But from the beginning of our relationship, we were united in our determination to create a different path for our family. That resolve saw us through some of the hardest moments of our marriage—times when it might have been easier to walk away but when we instead chose to lean into each other and the promises we had made.
We knew we weren’t just working for our marriage—we were working for the foundation we wanted to build for our children. We wanted them to grow up seeing that relationships require effort, compromise, and love. It wasn’t always easy, but those moments of struggle strengthened our bond and taught us the value of perseverance.
For parents facing divorce, it’s important to know that while the journey may look different, you can still create a loving and stable foundation for your children. The end of a marriage doesn’t mean the end of their sense of security—it means that you, as their parent, can show them resilience, compassion, and strength. By prioritizing open communication, emotional support, and stability, parents can help mitigate the long-term impacts of divorce on their children and foster a sense of hope and possibility for their future.
Ultimately, the lessons children learn from their parents’ relationships, whether united or separated, shape their understanding of love, commitment, and perseverance. Divorce may bring challenges, but with intention and love, those challenges can become growth opportunities for parents and children.
Mitigating the Impact: How to Support Children Through Divorce
Divorce may be one of a family’s most challenging experiences, but it’s also an opportunity to show resilience, love, and adaptability. While the process may be emotionally taxing for children, there are many ways parents can help them adjust and even thrive. By prioritizing their well-being and maintaining open, honest communication, parents can create an environment where children feel safe, supported, and deeply loved—even amid change.
Co-Parent with Respect and Collaboration
One of the most important ways to support children through divorce is by fostering a respectful co-parenting relationship. Children benefit immensely when they see their parents working together as a team, even if the nature of the relationship has shifted. This doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but it does mean setting aside personal grievances to prioritize your child’s well-being.
A vital part of respectful co-parenting is refraining from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your children. Ted and I saw this happen in our families, which was incredibly painful. Hearing one parent criticize the other creates confusion, insecurity, and feeling caught in the middle. Children love both their parents, and when you speak poorly about your ex, it feels like an attack on the part of them. It’s not their job to take sides or mediate adult conflicts.
Remember, your children are not your friends—they are not there to shoulder your grievances or provide emotional support about the divorce. Venting about your ex is a conversation for trusted friends or therapists, never for your kids. Showing respect for your ex, even when it’s difficult, reinforces a sense of stability and security for your children. They must know that both parents love them and are invested in their happiness.
Ted and I sincerely appreciated our parents putting their differences aside and prioritizing us, even when their co-parenting relationship wasn’t perfect. Those moments made us feel valued and reassured us that we weren’t at the center of their disagreements. We carry this lesson forward in parenting, and I encourage every divorced parent to strive for it.
Keep Routines Consistent
Consistency can be a powerful source of comfort for children during the upheaval of divorce. Predictable routines provide stability and normalcy, helping children feel grounded even as other aspects of their lives change.
Maintaining bedtime rituals, keeping children in the same school, and celebrating holidays in familiar ways can all help create a reassuring sense of continuity. Routines signal that life is still predictable and safe for younger children, while older children benefit from the security of knowing what to expect.
When changes to routines are unavoidable—like transitioning between two households—work with your co-parent to create consistency across both homes. Agreeing on bedtime, homework expectations, and meal routines can help children feel a sense of unity and stability, even when living in separate spaces.
Encourage Emotional Expression
Divorce can bring a flood of emotions for children, including sadness, anger, fear, and even guilt. Let your child know these feelings are normal and valid, and encourage them to express what they’re experiencing. Providing a safe space where they can share their thoughts without fear of judgment is one of the most important gifts you can offer during this time.
Some children may find it difficult to verbalize their emotions. Younger kids might express their feelings through play or artwork, while older children and teens might need help putting their feelings into words. Be patient and let them know you can listen whenever they’re ready.
For children who struggle to open up or who are experiencing prolonged distress, therapy or counseling can be incredibly beneficial. A trained professional can help children healthily process their emotions, offering tools to navigate the complex feelings that often accompany divorce.
Focus on Your Emotional Health
As a parent, your emotional well-being has a direct impact on your child’s ability to adjust to divorce. Children often look to their parents for cues on handling stress and change, so prioritizing your mental health is essential.
It’s okay to acknowledge that divorce is hard—on you as well as your children. Seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors can help you process your emotions and build resilience. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Leaning on your support system can provide the strength you need to be fully present for your children.
Self-care is also an important part of this process. Taking time to rest, recharge, and focus on activities that bring you joy can help you approach parenting with patience and energy. Whether going for a walk, practicing mindfulness, or simply enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, these small acts of self-care can make a big difference in how you show up for your child.
Be Present and Reassuring
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your children during a divorce is to remind them repeatedly that they are loved and supported. Spend quality time together, engage in their favorite activities, and show them that your love for them remains constant no matter what changes occur.
It’s also helpful to provide age-appropriate explanations about the divorce, tailored to their level of understanding. Reassure them that the separation is not their fault and that both parents will continue to be there for them. These conversations may need to happen multiple times as your child processes the changes, so be prepared to revisit the topic with patience and compassion.
The Bottom Line
While divorce is never easy, it’s possible to navigate this transition in a way that prioritizes your child’s well-being and helps them emerge stronger. By co-parenting respectfully, maintaining routines, encouraging emotional expression, and focusing on your health, you can create a supportive environment where your children feel safe and loved. Divorce may change the family structure, but with intention and care, it doesn’t have to diminish the strength of the bonds within it.
Final Thoughts: A Message of Hope and Encouragement
Divorce is undeniably a challenging road, but it doesn’t have to define your family’s future or your child’s well-being. With love, intention, and thoughtful care, parents can help their children navigate this transition in a way that fosters resilience, strength, and even growth. It’s vital to remember that children are incredibly adaptive—they can thrive when surrounded by consistent love, support, and stability.
If you’re a parent facing the prospect of divorce or currently working through its complexities, take heart. Your actions and decisions hold immense power to shape how your child experiences and processes this change. By leading with empathy, maintaining open and honest communication, and working with your co-parent to create a sense of security, you can help your child adapt and flourish in the face of life’s challenges.
For Ted and me, the effects of our parents’ divorces were difficult to endure, but they also shaped who we are today. They taught us the importance of commitment, compassion, and prioritizing family, even amid hardship. Those lessons inspired us to approach our marriage and parenting with determination, patience, and love. While no family’s journey is without struggles, there is always room for healing and growth.
If you’re walking this path now, know that you’re not alone—and that brighter days are ahead. Your love and care can guide your children through this season, instilling in them the resilience and confidence they’ll carry into the future. Divorce may change the structure of your family, but it doesn’t have to diminish the strength of the bonds within it.
You’ve got this, and so do your children. Together, you can create a future defined not by hardship but by hope, connection, and love. 💕
— Stay Strong! Jaelin —
Additional Reading:
What to Expect When You’re Divorcing: The Things Nobody Tells You About Navigating Divorce (with Kids) by Adrienne Wieler
Supporting Kids During a Divorce – Child Mind Institute
Getting Divorced? 7 Ways to Help Your Child Through It – Psychology Today
Note: Full disclosure: I earn a small (very small) commission on any links in the article that take you to Amazon.
About the Author
Jaelin Stickels, CNM, WHNP, is a deeply passionate and highly skilled Certified Nurse Midwife, Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, and the owner of Holistic Heritage Homebirth in Houston, Texas. With over a decade of experience, Jaelin has had the privilege of helping several hundred women welcome their babies into the world. In addition to her advanced practice licensure training, she has additional advanced training in twin and breech births, making her one of only a few with these skills in her area. Jaelin approaches every birth with expertise, compassion, and a deep respect for the birthing process. Jaelin is finishing her doctorate and looking forward to being Dr. Jaelin in early 2025.
Jaelin’s journey into midwifery began with a profound love for supporting women through the incredible experience of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Since 2010, she has been dedicated to walking alongside families during these transformative moments, offering guidance, support, and care tailored to each individual’s unique needs. She is a big believer in informed consent and ensures clients are given the best evidence-based information to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.
Married to her high school sweetheart Ted (aka Chef Ted) since 1984, Jaelin is the proud mother of three grown children and the delighted grandmother of one amazing granddaughter. When she’s not assisting in births, Jaelin finds joy in going to the movies with her husband, quilting, and cherishing time with her family. Known by the other midwives in her practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) affectionately as the “Birth Hog,” she brings an unmatched dedication and enthusiasm to her work—no one loves birth quite like she does.
Find out more about Jaelin’s Homebirth Practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) in Houston, TX