Lately, my writing has gone to deeper places. The last few articles have been heavy, and this one is no different. It’s not because I’m stuck in the hard stuff; it’s because I’ve been in a period of introspection and reflection. And when you’re paying attention, certain truths rise to the surface and demand to be said out loud.

So yes, this piece is another weighty one. But it’s not about blame or drama.
It’s about honesty.

I want to discuss something I see in almost every birth room, whether it’s named or not.
Something that shapes choices, slows labor, fractures trust, and sometimes derails the whole process.

Fear and Anxiety

• They appear in the bodies of mothers, tightening muscles, clouding judgment, hijacking the normal progression of labor.
• They seep in through the quiet panic of partners whose love is real, but whose fear, when unspoken, can break the rhythm of birth.
• They also show up in birth workers, influencing decisions in subtle but significant ways. Sometimes, that fear leads to overly cautious management or unnecessary interventions. Sometimes, it causes providers to lean too heavily on protocols or policies and lose sight of the mother’s voice, her desires, or her emotional needs in the process.

Fear and anxiety don’t mean something’s gone wrong.
They mean something big is happening. Something vulnerable. Something sacred.
They show up because birth matters. And because no one walks into that room untouched by what’s at stake.

But here’s the thing: silence doesn’t make them go away.
In fact, ignoring fear is often what gives it the most power.

So let’s name it.
Let’s talk about what it looks like, where it comes from, and what we can actually do about it.

Let’s talk about fear and anxiety in birth—honestly, compassionately, and without shame.
Because once we see them clearly, we can stop being ruled by them.
And start supporting each other through them.

And yes, don’t worry, the lighter stuff will return. But for now, this needs to be said.

Fear vs. Anxiety: What’s the Difference?

Before we go any further, let’s name something that matters:

Fear and anxiety aren’t the same.

Fear and anxiety aren’t the same.

• Fear is specific. It’s immediate. It shows up when something feels threatening right now.
  (“The baby’s heart rate is dropping.” “These contractions are so painful, and they only just started.”)
  Your body reacts fast, heart rate spikes, breath shortens, adrenaline floods the system. Fear is your nervous system yelling, “Act now!”
• Anxiety is anticipatory. It’s often vague. It shows up when nothing is wrong yet, but your brain says, “But what if…?”
  (“What if I can’t handle this?” “What if something goes wrong?”)
  It’s the background static that hums even when things are quiet. The unease that makes you over-prepare or avoid preparing at all. And for some people it can be crippling!

In the birth room, these two often travel together. One triggers the other. One masks the other.
You might be scared and not realize it until it floods you.
You might be anxious and think it’s just your personality.
You might be calm on the outside but unraveling internally, and no one sees it until you shut down, spiral, or just freak out.

Here’s how it can look:

• A laboring mother has a perfectly normal contraction pattern, but she can’t stop asking if her baby is okay. That’s anxiety.
• A partner sees blood during pushing and starts to panic, thinking something is terribly wrong, even when it isn’t. That’s fear.
• A midwife monitors a decel, stays composed, but afterward can’t stop replaying what could have gone wrong. That’s anxiety.
• A nurse walks into a room and sees a prolapsed cord. Her body reacts before her brain can process. That’s fear.

Both are real. Both are valid. And both can derail trust, communication, and decision-making if we don’t recognize what’s happening.

But when we learn to tell the difference, we also learn how to respond—so we’re not reacting out of panic, but out of presence.

That’s where the transformation starts.
Not with pretending we’re fearless, but with understanding what fear and anxiety actually are. And what they’re trying to tell us.

Anxiety in Birthing Mothers: What We See and What We Miss

Pregnancy is often portrayed as blissful. But underneath the bump photos and baby showers, many women are wrestling with real, often invisible anxiety.

• Fear of losing control.
• Fear of being dismissed.
• Fear of tearing
• Fear of not bonding
• Fear of being a bad mom before they’ve even started.

In my practice, the mothers who openly name their fears, cry in prenatal, rehearse their coping tools, and ask hard questions are the ones who usually rock their births. Not because they’re fearless, but because they’re honest.

The ones who avoid the topic? Who insists “I’m fine” even when their body tells a different story?
Too often, that anxiety breaks loose in labor. And when it does, it’s overwhelming, for them and everyone in the room.

How Anxiety Shows Up in Mothers

• Racing thoughts
• Feeling frozen or panicked
• Repeating the same questions
• Snapping at support people
• Trying to control every tiny detail
• Emotional shutdown or dissociation

And in the body:

• Slowed labor
• Irregular contractions
• More perceived pain
• Exhaustion
• Delayed pushing reflex or bonding

These aren’t character flaws. They’re human responses to fear. And if we don’t address that fear before labor starts, it has a nasty habit of showing up when the stakes feel highest.

What Helps Mothers Cope

• Therapy, especially CBT or trauma-informed care
• Prenatal education that builds real understanding, not just generic advice
• Breathwork, meditation, and somatic relaxation practices
• Supportive, trusted providers who don’t gaslight their concerns
• Spiritual tools like prayer, affirmations, or mantras
• A birth team that holds emotional space, not just clinical responsibility

Above all, it starts with one sentence:
“I’m scared.”
Say it. Let us meet you there.

Anxiety in Partners: The Quiet Saboteur No One Prepares For

Let’s talk about something that almost never makes it into prenatal classes: how a birth partner’s fear can derail a labor.

I’ve seen it happen more than once. A mother is coping beautifully. She’s grounded, focused, moving through the waves. And then, her husband’s face goes pale. He grabs her arm. “Are you sure this is okay?” He looks at me like I should do something.

Suddenly, everything changes.

She tenses, doubts, and breaks her rhythm. The energy in the room shifts from empowerment to panic, and just like that, fear spreads from partner to mother to provider.

We don’t talk about this enough. But we should.

Because if the partner doesn’t feel safe, the mother will feel it. Even if no one says a word.

How Partner Anxiety Shows Up

• Nervously asking if everything is “normal”
• Distracting the laboring person with questions or interruptions
• Panicking when things get loud, messy, or unpredictable
• Pressuring the birthing person to accept interventions out of their own fear
• Freezing in moments when reassurance is needed
• Arguing with providers or acting like something must be “wrong”
• Looking to the doula or midwife to “fix it”

Partners aren’t the enemy here. Most are terrified of seeing someone they love in pain, and powerless to stop it. But birth is not a spectator sport. If you bring fear into the room and don’t deal with it, it doesn’t just stay yours. It becomes everyone’s problem.

What Helps Partners Show Up Strong

• Prenatal preparation. Not just packing a bag, but understanding what birth actually looks like.
• Clear expectations about their role: witness, protector, support, not fixer.
• Grounding tools (breathwork, prayer, mindfulness) can be practiced beforehand.
• A safe place to express their fears without putting it on the birthing person.
• Doulas or midwives who talk to them too, not just “the patient.”
• Permission to step out and regroup if they’re overwhelmed.

A good partner doesn’t need to be stoic. They need to be regulated. Grounded. Present. Willing to stay in the boat, even when the waves get big.

Here’s what I tell my clients:

“She’s on a roller coaster. It’s your job to stay grounded.”

Support her. Believe in her. Don’t flinch when it gets loud. Don’t doubt when it gets messy.

Hold the space she needs to ride it through..

Anxiety in Birth Workers: The Fear Behind the Calm Face

Let me say this as clearly as I can:
This job is beautiful. But it can be terrifying.

Birth workers—midwives, doulas, nurses, OBs—we are trained to hold space for intensity. But that doesn’t mean we’re immune to fear. In fact, fear is often the unspoken companion to responsibility. It rides alongside us in the car on the way to a birth. It whispers in our ears during long labors or complicated chart reviews. And if we’re not careful, it follows us straight into the room.

What if I miss something?
What if this is the one that goes sideways?
What if I get blamed—even if I did everything right?

These aren’t abstract worries. They’re the lived reality of holding life in your hands. Every birth worker carries them to some degree. The difference lies in how we manage them.

I’ve seen firsthand what it’s like to work alongside birth workers who practice from a place of fear. The kind of providers who, instead of entering birth with grounded confidence, carry an undercurrent of tension into every interaction. Providers who second-guess the process, the client, and, if we’re being honest, themselves.

That kind of fear is contagious.

It can cause a provider to over-monitor, over-intervene, or catastrophize minor concerns. It can make them rigid or controlling, unwilling to allow the birth to unfold unless it fits within their own comfort zone. And worst of all, it sends a silent but powerful message to the laboring person: You are not safe. I don’t trust this.

And when the provider doesn’t trust the birth, the client learns not to either.

How to Tell If Your Birth Worker Operates from Fear

Fear-based practice doesn’t always look like panic. Sometimes, it looks like professionalism, caution, or “just being thorough.” But underneath that polished exterior, anxiety is still running the show.

Here are some signs your provider may be operating from fear:

• They frame most conversations around worst-case scenarios
• They discourage questions or pushback on your preferences
• They seem visibly uncomfortable with normal labor intensity (noise, movement, mess)
• They are rigid with protocols and standards, even when flexibility is safe and reasonable
• They bring up liability or charting needs more than your emotional well-being
• They stay glued to the monitor or notes instead of being present with you
• They interrupt your rhythm unnecessarily to “check in”
• They recommend escalation and/or interventions quickly, even when labor is unfolding normally
• Their presence feels tense, distracted, or emotionally unavailable

If you leave appointments feeling unsettled, second-guessed, or shut down—it’s worth paying attention. Sometimes, that discomfort isn’t yours. It’s theirs.

What You Deserve Instead

You deserve a provider who prepares for the hard moments, but doesn’t expect disaster around every corner.
Someone who can be steady in uncertainty, calm in intensity, and responsive without being reactive.
Someone who believes in your body, in your baby, and in their own ability to support you well.

Every birth worker carries fear. That’s part of the job. But the best among us don’t let it lead.
We prepare for emergencies. We stay ready. But when we step into your birth space, we do it with clear minds, calm hands, and an open heart.

That’s the kind of energy that keeps the room safe.
Not just clinically—but emotionally, too.

.How Birth Worker Anxiety Shows Up

• Hypervigilance and over-monitoring
• Over-intervening out of “just in case” fear
• Emotional detachment to protect ourselves
• Avoiding high-risk clients or home births
• Insomnia, burnout, cynicism
• Feeling like we can never relax—not even off-call
• Resentment or fear around being the only one responsible

And yes, sometimes our anxiety bleeds into the birth space. We rush a client. We shut down emotionally. We go clinical instead of compassionate.

We tell ourselves we’re being efficient. But sometimes, we’re just scared.

What Helps Birth Workers Cope

• Peer support and regular debriefing after births
• Therapy, coaching, or clinical supervision
• On-call boundaries that are realistic and humane
• Simulation and continuing education to build real confidence
• A team culture where vulnerability is allowed
• Faith practices or rituals that give meaning and grounding

We need to stop pretending this job is only hard when someone dies. It’s hard all the time.
But it’s also meaningful. And worth fighting for.
We just can’t do it at the cost of our mental health.

Where These Anxieties Collide: The Feedback Loop in the Room

Here’s what we don’t talk about nearly enough:
Everyone’s anxiety in the room feeds everyone else’s.

• A scared mother picks up on her partner’s tension.
• A scared partner sees the nurse glance at the monitor and spirals.
• A scared provider hears panic in the partner’s voice and gets edgy.
• Everyone tightens. No one trusts. And suddenly, everything feels dangerous—even if it isn’t.

The solution isn’t to shame fear. It’s to name it.

To say, “This is a hard moment. But we’re okay. Let’s stay here. Let’s breathe through it together.”

Trust is the antidote. So is preparation. So is communication that makes space for humanity—not just protocol.

Final Thoughts: Let’s Stop Pretending Fear Isn’t There

If there’s one thing I hope this article makes clear, it’s this:
Fear and anxiety are already in the birth room.
The question is whether we’ll pretend they aren’t—or face them with honesty and support.

They’re not signs of weakness. They’re signs that something real is at stake.
They show up when we care deeply. When we’re vulnerable. When the outcome matters.
But left unspoken, they don’t just stay quiet. They disrupt trust, slow progress, and leave people feeling alone right when they need connection the most.

So let’s stop pretending.

Let’s normalize fear and anxiety in birth—and let’s get better at managing them.

If You’re a Birthing Mother

Don’t wait for labor to be honest with yourself.
Talk about your fears now. Write them down. Say them out loud. Practice your coping tools like it’s part of your prenatal care—because it is.

You don’t need to be fearless. You need to be supported.
Your anxiety is valid, but it doesn’t have to run the show.
Bring it into the light. Make a plan. Let your team meet you there.

If You’re a Partner

She’s on the roller coaster. Your job is to stay grounded.

Prepare ahead of time. Learn what birth really looks like—not just what it looks like on TV.
Figure out your triggers, and don’t bring unmanaged fear into the room.
Support her. Believe in her. And if you start to panic, step out, get regulated, then come back in with presence and steadiness.

You don’t need to fix anything. You just need to stay with her.

If You’re a Birth Worker

Your fear is real. You’ve seen things. You’ve held lives in your hands. You’ve maybe been blamed for outcomes you couldn’t control. I see you.

But we owe it to our clients—and ourselves—not to carry unresolved fear into their births.

Do the work. Talk to your colleagues. Debrief. Reflect. Build systems of support that let you practice from a place of grounded strength, not white-knuckled vigilance.

Being calm isn’t a performance. It’s a discipline.
And you deserve care, too.

Fear and anxiety are not the enemy.
Silence is.

We heal birth by telling the truth—about what we carry into the room, how it affects each other, and how we can support each other through it.

Let’s stop pretending fear isn’t there.
Let’s get brave enough to face it.
Together.

—Stay Strong!  Jaelin—

Additional Reading

• Fearless Birthing: Clear Your Fears for a Positive Birth by Alexia Leachman
• Stress-Free Pregnancy for Men: The First-time Dad’s Guide to supporting your partner, Rocking childbirth, and Caring for your newborn with Confidence by Baby varsity
• Childbirth without Fear: The Principles and Practice of Natural Childbirth by Grantly Dick-Read (Author), Ina May Gaskin (Foreword)

Note: Full disclosure: SHEis Online earns a small (very small) commission on any links in the article that take you to Amazon.

About the Author:

Dr. Jaelin Stickels, DPN, CNM, APRN, is a deeply passionate and highly skilled Certified Nurse Midwife, Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, and the owner of Holistic Heritage Homebirth in Houston, Texas. With over a decade of midwife experience, Jaelin has had the privilege of helping several hundred (over 700 as of 2024…) women welcome their babies into the world. In addition to her advanced practice licensure training, she has additional advanced training in twin and breech births, making her one of only a few with these skills in her area.  Jaelin approaches every birth with expertise, compassion, and a deep respect for the birthing process.

Jaelin’s journey into midwifery began with a profound love for supporting women through the incredible experience of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Since 2010, she has been dedicated to walking alongside families during these transformative moments, offering guidance, support, and care tailored to each individual’s unique needs. She is a big believer in informed consent and ensures clients are given the best evidence-based information to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.

Married to her high school sweetheart Ted (aka Chef Ted) since 1984, Jaelin is the proud mother of three grown children and the delighted grandmother of one amazing granddaughter. When she’s not assisting in births, Jaelin finds joy in going to the movies with her husband, quilting, and cherishing time with her family. Known by the other midwives in her practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) affectionately as the “Birth Hog,” she brings an unmatched dedication and enthusiasm to her work—no one loves birth quite like she does.

Read Jaelin’s Bio

Find out more about Jaelin’s Homebirth Practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) in Houston, TX