I’m so sorry. I know you love this baby, and this is incredibly difficult. Stillbirth is one of the hardest experiences a family can face, and I’ve only been through a few myself, but each one has stayed with me. The grief is profound, and it’s something no one should have to endure alone. As a midwife, I’ve cried with families, and I’ve struggled with my own feelings of guilt, wondering what I missed. It’s a journey no one expects, and knowing it’s not your fault is important. Healing takes time and begins with allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. This journey, though heartbreaking, is also one of love, resilience, and finding a way forward.
Grief after a stillbirth is unique, and it’s deeply personal. It’s not just about the loss of a baby but also about the loss of hopes, dreams, and a future you envisioned with your child. Every family feels this pain in their own way, and it’s okay to allow yourself space to grieve. There’s no timeline for healing, and there’s no right or wrong way to process this grief.
Stillbirth is often shrouded in silence. Society doesn’t always give families the room they need to talk about it, making healing even harder. Breaking through this silence, talking about your experience, and finding support can be incredibly healing.
What is Stillbirth?
A stillbirth is the loss of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy. It’s a heartbreaking reality that affects many families, yet it often goes unspoken. In the United States, about 1 in 160 pregnancies ends in stillbirth. That means thousands of families each year are confronted with a pain that’s hard to put into words. Behind every statistic is a baby who was deeply loved and parents who grieve that loss profoundly.
It’s important to understand that stillbirth can happen to anyone, regardless of how healthy the pregnancy seems. It’s a loss often beyond anyone’s control, and wanting answers is natural. While some causes can be identified, many remain unknown. This can leave families with feelings of helplessness and frustration.
Understanding what stillbirth is can help families begin to make sense of their experience. It’s not just a medical term—it’s the loss of a cherished life. Families often feel isolated after experiencing stillbirth because it’s something we don’t talk about enough. But knowing you’re not alone can be a powerful step toward healing.
Common Causes and Risk Factors
Stillbirth can happen for a variety of reasons, and in many cases, the cause is never fully understood. Some common causes include genetic conditions, problems with the placenta or umbilical cord, and infections. In rare cases, issues with the mother’s health, such as preeclampsia or uncontrolled diabetes, can also lead to stillbirth.
However, in most cases, families never receive a definitive answer. Many choose not to have an autopsy performed on the baby, and this leaves the exact cause unknown. It’s important to remember that stillbirth is not the result of anything the parents did or didn’t do. Blaming yourself is a natural response, but the parents could not have prevented the loss in almost every case.
There are risk factors that may increase the likelihood of stillbirth, such as maternal age, certain health conditions, and lifestyle factors. But these factors don’t guarantee a stillbirth will happen. The reality is that stillbirth can happen in pregnancies where everything seemed perfectly healthy.
For the most part, I feel, the medical community does an admirable job of managing late losses. In hospitals, dedicated staff, grief counselors, and clergy members are often available to support families. But for those delivering at home or who experience early stillbirth, the experience can feel very different. There are gaps in support and understanding, particularly for families who choose a more holistic or home-centered approach.
Navigating the Grief: Emotional and Physical Recovery
The journey after a stillbirth is both emotional and physical. For families, the first step is simply allowing themselves the time and space to grieve. This might mean sitting together silently, crying, or holding one another. Everyone processes grief differently, and there’s no timeline for recovery.
From a physical perspective, the process of delivering a stillborn baby is much like delivering a live one. Women will experience postpartum bleeding, contractions, and the other physical sensations associated with birth. This can feel overwhelming as the body goes through the natural processes, even without a living baby. Depending on when the stillbirth occurs in the pregnancy, families have the option of delivering at home or in the hospital. Both options are valid, and the choice depends on what feels right for the family.
Emotionally, the grief can be all-consuming. Feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and even numbness are common. Families need to understand that these emotions are valid. Grieving the loss of a child is one of the hardest things a person can go through, and it’s okay to take as much time as needed. The key is allowing yourself to feel those emotions without judgment.
Grief doesn’t follow a straight path. One day, you might feel okay, and the next, the weight of the loss might feel unbearable again. It’s important to give yourself grace during this time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timeline for healing.
Talking About Prevention Without Fear
One of the most difficult conversations after a stillbirth is around prevention. Families often want to know if something could have been done differently, and seeking answers is natural. But in many cases, stillbirth cannot be prevented. The causes are often unknown, and even with the best medical care, stillbirth can occur.
For families with a history of stillbirth or who are at higher risk, there are options to help monitor the pregnancy. Genetic testing, blood work, and regular prenatal screenings can help identify certain risk factors but don’t eliminate the possibility. The highest risk of stillbirth tends to occur between 36 and 37 weeks, with another slight peak at 41 weeks. That’s why I often recommend biweekly screenings, including nonstress tests and biophysical profiles, during the later stages of pregnancy. These tests help us monitor the baby’s well-being, giving us a clearer picture of how the pregnancy is progressing.
It’s essential to approach the topic of prevention with sensitivity. We never want families to feel blamed for something they couldn’t control. Some women choose to trust in a higher power or follow their instincts regarding their pregnancy, and that is a valid choice. The goal is to provide information and options without creating fear or guilt.
Finding Hope and Healing After Stillbirth
Healing after stillbirth is a deeply personal journey, and it does not have a clear end. For many families, the pain of losing a baby never fully goes away, but it becomes something they learn to live with. One of the most important steps in healing is finding a support system. Whether through family, friends, or support groups, having people who understand your grief can make all the difference.
Grief counseling and support groups can be incredibly helpful for families processing the loss of a baby. Talking to others who have gone through a similar experience can be comforting, reminding families that they are not alone in their grief. Doulas who specialize in stillbirth deliveries can also offer valuable support during this time, guiding families through both the emotional and practical aspects of loss.
In addition to counseling and support groups, many families find comfort in holistic healing practices. Yoga, mindfulness, and meditation can help create a sense of peace and calm during emotional turmoil. Leaning into faith and belief systems can also strengthen and guide families.
Sharing your story is another powerful way to heal. Whether through journaling, speaking in a support group, or simply talking with a trusted friend, telling your story can help you process the emotions surrounding your loss. For some families, creating a memorial or specially honoring their baby can also be an important part of the healing process.
Supporting Families After Loss
It’s not just mothers who grieve after a stillbirth. Partners, siblings, and extended family members all feel the weight of the loss. But often, the focus remains solely on the mother. Partners, in particular, may feel the need to stay strong for the mother, suppressing their grief in the process. Acknowledging the partner’s grief and offering them the same support and understanding is important. Counseling or support groups specifically for partners can help them process their emotions and heal alongside the mother.
Siblings, too, experience a sense of loss after stillbirth. They may not fully understand what has happened, but they feel the absence of the baby that was supposed to join the family. It’s crucial to include children in the grieving process in an age-appropriate way, giving them space to ask questions and express their feelings.
Families should be encouraged to grieve together, supporting one another through the difficult days and weeks that follow a stillbirth. This shared grief can bring families closer, and it helps ensure that no one feels isolated in their loss.
Resources for Women and Families
While I don’t have a set list of resources readily available, I’ve always found that hospitals do an excellent job of providing the support families need after a stillbirth. Hospitals often have dedicated grief counselors, clergy members, and other bereavement services to guide families through the initial days of their grief. For those who prefer to deliver at home, I reach out to doulas and professionals who specialize in stillbirth to provide emotional and practical support throughout the process.
That said, having a reliable support system is crucial. Grief counseling, faith-based support, and community-based groups like local bereavement organizations are all valuable tools for healing after stillbirth. Here are a few types of resources that I recommend considering:
- Grief Counseling: One-on-one sessions with a therapist who specializes in grief can provide the space to process emotions and navigate the complexities of stillbirth grief.
- Support Groups: Joining a support group—in-person or online—can help you connect with other families who have experienced similar losses. Knowing you’re not alone in your grief can be incredibly powerful.
- Faith-Based Support: For those whose faith plays a central role, reaching out to clergy members or religious leaders can provide solace and a framework for understanding the loss.
- Doula Support for Stillbirth: Some doulas specialize in helping families deliver stillborn babies and can provide compassionate care during the delivery process and in the early stages of grief.
As a midwife, I try to connect families with the right support, depending on their preferences and belief systems. While healing is a personal journey, no one should have to walk it alone.
Final Thoughts: A Message of Empowerment
To the mothers, partners, and families who have experienced stillbirth—please know that your grief is valid. Your love for your baby is real, and so is the pain of losing them. However, healing is possible, though it may take time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no timeline for healing. You are not alone, and a community of people understands what you are going through, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Reach out for support when ready, whether through family, friends, counselors, or community groups. The healing journey isn’t one that you need to take by yourself. Remember, it’s okay to take your time, and it’s okay to lean on others. Above all, permit yourself to feel whatever emotions come up—grief, anger, sadness, even joy—and know that each emotion is part of the healing process.
Most importantly, allow yourself to stay strong in your way. You have already shown so much strength by loving your baby, by enduring this loss, and by continuing forward, even when it feels impossible. Healing after stillbirth is a journey of love and loss, but you don’t have to take it alone.
— Stay Strong, Jaelin —
Additional Reading:
- Stillbirth: Surviving Emotionally – American Pregnancy Association – https://americanpregnancy.org/getting-pregnant/pregnancy-loss/stillborn/
- PTSD After Stillbirth: Understanding, Coping, and Healing – NeuroLaunch – https://neurolaunch.com/ptsd-after-stillbirth/
- Stillbirth: How Common, Causes, Symptoms & Support – Cleveland Clinic – https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9685-stillbirth
Jaelin Stickels, CNM, WHNP, is a deeply passionate and highly skilled Certified Nurse Midwife, Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, and the owner of Holistic Heritage Homebirth in Houston, Texas. With over a decade of experience, Jaelin has had the privilege of helping several hundred women welcome their babies into the world. In addition to her advanced practice licensure training, she has additional advanced training in twin and breech births, making her one of only a few with these skills in her area. Jaelin approaches every birth with expertise, compassion, and a deep respect for the birthing process. Jaelin is finishing her doctorate and looking forward to being Dr. Jaelin in early 2025.
Jaelin’s journey into midwifery began with a profound love for supporting women through the incredible experience of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Since 2010, she has been dedicated to walking alongside families during these transformative moments, offering guidance, support, and care tailored to each individual’s unique needs. She is a big believer in informed consent and ensures clients are given the best evidence-based information to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.
Married to her high school sweetheart Ted (aka Chef Ted) since 1984, Jaelin is the proud mother of three grown children and the delighted grandmother of one amazing granddaughter. When she’s not assisting in births, Jaelin finds joy in going to the movies with her husband, quilting, and cherishing time with her family. Known by the other midwives in her practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) affectionately as the “Birth Hog,” she brings an unmatched dedication and enthusiasm to her work—no one loves birth quite like she does.