Let’s discuss postpartum sex—the awkward, sometimes painful, and often just plain weird reality that no one truly prepares you for. You spend months nurturing a tiny human, endure labor (or major surgery), and then when you think the hardest part is behind you, someone casually mentions, “You can have sex again at your six-week checkup!”
Wait, what?
For many women, the idea of postpartum intimacy feels about as appealing as running a marathon with no training—while sleep-deprived and wearing a diaper. Your body has been through so much, your hormones are a chaotic mess, and let’s be honest, the thought of anything entering your vagina again might make you want to cross your legs and back away slowly. Yet, there’s this unspoken expectation—whether from partners, doctors, or even our own internalized pressure—to “bounce back” in every way, including in the bedroom.
But here’s what no one tells you: postpartum sex isn’t just about whether your stitches have healed or if your doctor gives you the green light. It’s about feeling safe, ready, and connected in a body that may not feel like yours yet. It’s about navigating new parenthood’s emotional, hormonal, and relational shifts. And it’s about learning to embrace intimacy again on your terms—not because a calendar, a partner, or societal expectations suggest you should.
So, let’s have the conversation that too many women miss out on. This is your no-nonsense guide to what postpartum intimacy really looks like, why it feels different, and how to ease back in—without pressure, guilt, or unnecessary pain.
The Physical Reality: Why It Can Hurt
Let’s address the elephant in the room—postpartum sex can hurt. Not for everyone, but for a lot of women. And let’s be clear: this is not just in your head. Your body has been through massive changes, and jumping back into intimacy isn’t always as simple as waiting six weeks and hoping for the best. Understanding why sex might feel different or painful can help you approach it with patience, preparation, and a whole lot of grace.
1. Healing from Birth Trauma
Childbirth is no small feat, and your body needs time to recover. Even if everything “looks fine” on the outside, the inside may tell a different story.
- Vaginal Birth Recovery: Your perineum (the area between the vagina and anus) went through some serious stretching, and possibly tearing or an episiotomy. Even after stitches dissolve and healing is complete, scar tissue can cause tightness, pain, and reduced elasticity. Some women even describe a burning or pulling sensation during penetration.
- C-Section Recovery: If you had a cesarean, you’re not off the hook either. Your uterus, abdominal muscles, and fascia were cut through, and even once the incision has healed, internal scar tissue can cause deep pelvic discomfort or pulling sensations, especially in certain positions. On top of that, many C-section moms feel numb or hypersensitive around their scar, which can make intimacy feel strange or uncomfortable.
2. Vaginal Dryness & Hormonal Shifts
Hormones control everything when it comes to arousal and comfort, and postpartum hormones are playing an entirely different game than they were pre-baby.
- Estrogen Drops Like a Rock: Pregnancy floods your body with estrogen, keeping everything plump and well-lubricated. But postpartum, estrogen levels plummet—especially if you’re breastfeeding. This means:
- Vaginal tissues become thinner, drier, and less elastic, which can make penetration feel rough or even tearful (literally).
- The natural lubrication you once had? It might feel like it’s on strike. Even if you’re aroused, you may need way more lube than usual to feel comfortable.
- Oxytocin is High, But That Doesn’t Mean You’re in the Mood: Postpartum, oxytocin—the famous “love hormone”—is surging through your body. But rather than making you feel sexy, it’s laser-focused on bonding with your baby. Many women describe feeling touched-out, emotionally drained, or just uninterested in anything intimate.
3. Pelvic Floor Dysfunction
Your pelvic floor is the set of muscles that support your bladder, uterus, and vagina, which went through the wringer during pregnancy and birth. For some women, those muscles become weak and overstretched, making everything feel loose or disconnected. For others, they go into a state of tension and tightness, leading to pain during penetration.
- Signs of a Weak Pelvic Floor:
- Feeling like there’s “less sensation” or “too much space” during sex.
- Occasional bladder leaks when you sneeze, laugh, or cough.
- A feeling of heaviness or dragging in your pelvic region.
- Signs of a Hypertonic (Too-Tight) Pelvic Floor:
- Sharp pain or a burning sensation during sex.
- Inability to insert a tampon comfortably.
- Feeling like your muscles won’t relax, even when you try.
The Fix: What Can You Do?
- Use More Lube (More Than You Think You Need) – Postpartum dryness is no joke. A high-quality, water-based, or silicone lubricant can make all the difference. And if you’re breastfeeding, this dryness may last until you wean, so don’t be afraid to stock up.
- Go Slow & Communicate – This isn’t about pushing through discomfort. If it hurts, pause. Try different positions, more foreplay, or stimulation outside of penetration to help your body warm up to the idea.
- Try Pelvic Floor Therapy – If pain persists, a pelvic floor therapist can work literal miracles in helping your body heal. They specialize in releasing scar tissue, retraining muscles, and ensuring everything functions as it should. If sex is painful or feels off, getting professional support can make a huge difference.
Hormonal Whiplash: Libido, Where Did You Go?
One day, you’re pregnant, glowing, curvy, and maybe even feeling a little extra desire thanks to increased blood flow and raging hormones. The next, you’re exhausted, your body feels like it belongs to someone else, and sex is about as appealing as scrubbing dried spit-up off your shirt for the fifth time today.
So, what gives? The short answer: hormones. The long answer? Your body just went through one of the most intense physiological transformations possible, and now it’s recalibrating—often in ways that make intimacy the last thing on your mind.
Here’s a closer look at what’s happening under the surface:
- Estrogen & Testosterone Crash – These hormones, which help fuel natural lubrication and desire, drop significantly after birth. If you’re breastfeeding, they remain low, making dryness, discomfort, and a total lack of interest in sex pretty common.
- Prolactin Takes Over – The hormone responsible for milk production is also a libido killer. It keeps ovulation at bay and can leave you feeling more focused on feeding your baby than rekindling intimacy.
- Oxytocin Overload – Often called the “love hormone,” oxytocin surges when you’re nursing or bonding with your baby. While this is great for attachment, it can also leave you feeling “touched out.” By the end of the day, after hours of skin-to-skin contact, feeding, and soothing, the last thing you might want is more physical closeness.
For many women, these shifts mean sex doesn’t just take a backseat—it’s barely in the car. And that’s okay. Your body is not broken. This is a season, not a life sentence.
That said, if you’ve been feeling like your libido has completely disappeared postpartum, you’re not alone. And if you were on hormonal birth control before pregnancy, you might want to check out this deep dive into how birth control can affect sex drive.
The key is to redefine intimacy. If full-on sex feels overwhelming, start with a small, meaningful touch, cuddling, kissing, or even just holding hands. Communicate with your partner about what feels good (and what does not). There’s no rush to get “back to normal” because, let’s be real, postpartum life is anything but normal.
And if your libido doesn’t bounce back overnight? That’s normal, too. Your body needs time to heal, rebalance, and adjust to this new chapter. Be patient with yourself—you’re doing enough already.
Emotional & Mental Shifts: It’s Not Just About the Body
Sex isn’t just about mechanics—it’s deeply tied to how you feel in your body, your relationship, and even your identity. And postpartum? Well, all that can feel like it’s been turned upside down.
1. Exhaustion is a Libido Killer
Let’s be honest—sleep is a rare luxury between night feeds, endless diaper changes, and just trying to keep a tiny human alive. And when you’re running on fumes, sex isn’t exactly top of mind. Your body prioritizes survival, not seduction, so if you feel like intimacy is the furthest thing from your to-do list, that’s completely normal.
But it’s not just physical exhaustion—it’s mental load exhaustion, too. You’re constantly making decisions, troubleshooting, and managing the emotional weight of caring for a newborn. That kind of stress can completely drain your desire for intimacy, not because you don’t love your partner but because your brain is already maxed out.
2. Body Image and Confidence: Feeling at Home in Your New Skin
Your body did something incredible—it grew and birthed a whole human. But that doesn’t mean you automatically feel amazing in it. Stretch marks, loose skin, a softer belly, changes in breast size—none of it means your body is “ruined,” but let’s be honest, it can feel that way sometimes.
Even if your partner is showering you with love and reassurance, you have to rebuild confidence from the inside. Many women struggle with the disconnect between how they thought they’d feel after birth and the reality of how they do. And that insecurity can make the idea of being naked—let alone having sex—feel daunting.
The truth? Feeling sexy again postpartum isn’t about “bouncing back.” It’s about reclaiming your body—not as it was, but now. That takes time, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
3. Fear of Pain: The Mental Block No One Talks About
Even if you want to be intimate again, the fear of pain can be enough to keep you from even trying. Maybe you’re worried about lingering soreness, scar tissue discomfort, or the general unknown of how things will feel now. That fear is valid, and for some women, it can create a mental block that makes it hard even to want sex.
Sometimes, the anxiety alone is enough to make your body tense up, which—ironically—makes sex more uncomfortable than it needs to be. If this is you, start slow. Focus on non-sexual touch, open communication, and zero pressure. And if pain persists? That’s a sign to check in with a pelvic floor therapist. You don’t have to “push through it.”
The Bottom Line: Grace, Communication, and Patience
If postpartum intimacy feels complicated, that’s because it is. And that’s okay. There’s no rush, deadline, or right or wrong way to navigate this transition. Give yourself the same grace you’d give a friend, talk openly with your partner, and trust your body. It knows what it needs.
The Partner’s Perspective: What They Might Be Thinking
While postpartum recovery is centered around the mother (as it should be), partners go through a transition too. They may not have carried the baby or gone through labor, but the shift in intimacy, routine, and emotional connection affects them in ways they might not even know how to articulate.
Here’s what might be going through their minds:
1. Fear of Hurting You
Your partner knows what your body just went through—whether they witnessed the birth firsthand or just heard you describe it in vivid detail. The idea of initiating intimacy might make them nervous. They don’t want to push you too soon, cause discomfort, or make you feel pressured. In many cases, they’re just waiting for a sign from you that it’s okay to move forward.
2. Feeling Rejected or Unwanted
If physical affection has decreased—which, let’s be honest, is completely understandable when you’re exhausted and touched out—your partner might misinterpret that as you not wanting them, rather than recognizing it’s about what you need at this moment. Even the most supportive, patient partners can struggle with the transition from lovers to co-parents and the new dynamics that come with it.
I remember when Ted and I were having our children—I felt pressured to resume having sex. Not because he was urging me, but because I knew he wanted it, and that was pressure enough. He never made me feel guilty about it, and I was aware he didn’t want to hurt me physically or emotionally, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like I was letting him down in some way. And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
3. Unsure How to Bring It Up
Many partners don’t want to cause pressure, but they also struggle to navigate postpartum intimacy. They might be walking on eggshells, afraid of saying the wrong thing or bringing it up at an inappropriate time. In some cases, they might withdraw entirely, not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable—which can create even more distance in the relationship.
The Solution? Talk About It.
I know, I know—communication is touted as the answer to everything, right? But in this scenario, it truly is essential. If you’re not ready for sex yet, let them know. Reassure them that it’s not about them—it’s about healing, recovery, and adjusting to this entirely new phase of life.
And remember, intimacy doesn’t have to equate to sex. Explore other ways to stay connected:
• Cuddling, hand-holding, or simply being physically near in a way that feels beneficial to you.
• Making out like teenagers again—sometimes that’s a wonderful way to reconnect without the pressure to take things further.
• Spending intentional time together that focuses on something other than the baby—watching a movie, discussing topics beyond diapers, or just sharing a laugh.
The postpartum period is a learning curve for both of you. Your partner might not always get it right, and that’s okay. What’s most important is that you continue to communicate, support one another, and remember that this phase is temporary. With time, patience, and open communication, intimacy will return—when you’re ready for it.
Easing Back In: Tips for Making Postpartum Sex More Comfortable
When you feel ready, take it slow and set yourself up for success. The first time doesn’t have to be all or nothing—this is about easing back into intimacy in a safe and enjoyable way. Here’s how to make it a more positive experience:
• Start slow. The first time doesn’t need to be a grand return to pre-baby sex. Take your time, explore non-penetrative intimacy, and focus on the connection before diving in.
• Use lubrication. With lower estrogen levels postpartum—especially if breastfeeding—your natural lubrication may not be what it used to be. A good-quality, body-safe lubricant can make a significant difference in comfort.
• Experiment with positions. Some positions may be more comfortable than others, especially if you had tearing, stitches, or a C-section. Side-lying positions or those that reduce deep penetration can ease discomfort.
• Be patient with your body. It may take a few tries before sex feels good again—and that’s okay. Permit yourself to stop, change things, or take a break if needed.
• Consider pelvic floor therapy. If pain persists beyond the first few attempts, don’t push through it. A pelvic floor therapist can help restore strength and flexibility, making intimacy comfortable again.
The key here is to listen to your body. Healing is not a race; the goal isn’t just to “get back to normal;” it’s to redefine intimacy in a way that works for you now.
When to Seek Help
If postpartum sex remains painful, stressful, or emotionally overwhelming, don’t ignore it. Reach out to a provider if:
• You’re still experiencing significant pain three to six months postpartum.
• You have no sex drive and feel distressed about it.
• You’re struggling with body image to the extent that it affects your relationship.
• Sex triggers emotional distress or trauma responses.
There’s no shame in seeking help. Your body has undergone a significant transformation; sometimes, physical and emotional healing requires extra support. Asking for help doesn’t mean something is wrong with you; it means you’re prioritizing your health, comfort, and well-being.
Final Thoughts: It’s a Journey, Not a Race
Postpartum sex isn’t about checking a box at the six-week mark. It’s not about meeting expectations—yours, your partner’s, or society’s. It’s about honoring your body, healing, and emotional well-being.
For too long, women have been conditioned to put their needs last—to be caregivers and nurturers and ensure everyone else is comfortable before tending to themselves. But here’s the truth: your body is yours. Your pleasure is yours. And your timeline for intimacy? That’s yours too.
Healing isn’t linear. Some women feel ready in weeks; others take months or longer. Both are normal. What’s not normal? Feeling pressured, ashamed, or broken because you’re not “bouncing back” fast enough.
Your postpartum journey is yours alone, so own it. Listen to your body. Speak up about what you need. Take your time. When you’re ready, step back into intimacy on your terms, with confidence and power.
Because the actual “getting back to normal” isn’t about rushing back into sex—it’s about reclaiming your body, your pleasure, and your voice. And that, my friend, is worth the wait.
— Stay Strong! Jaelin —
Additional Reading
- The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Baby: Secrets to Love and Intimacy – by Debra Pascali-Bonaro
- Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty, and Life after Pregnancy – by Dena Cabrera & Emily Wierenga
- Your Postpartum Body – by Ruth E. Macy, PT, DPT & Courtney Naliboff
- Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure, and Intimacy After Birth – by Clio Wood
- Postpartum Sex: A Guide to Intimacy & Anxiety After Childbirth – Happy Mum Happy Baby
- A mindful guide to postpartum recovery for body and mind – Calm
Note: Full disclosure: SHEis Online may earn a small (very small) commission on any links in the article that take you to Amazon.
Next Steps:
- Are you struggling with postpartum intimacy? What’s been the most challenging part for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
- Stay tuned for more women’s health topics at SHEis.com
About the Author:
Jaelin Stickels, CNM, WHNP, is a deeply passionate and highly skilled Certified Nurse Midwife, Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, and the owner of Holistic Heritage Homebirth in Houston, Texas. With over a decade of experience, Jaelin has had the privilege of helping several hundred women welcome their babies into the world. In addition to her advanced practice licensure training, she has additional advanced training in twin and breech births, making her one of only a few with these skills in her area. Jaelin approaches every birth with expertise, compassion, and a deep respect for the birthing process. Jaelin is finishing her doctorate and looking forward to being Dr. Jaelin in early 2025.
Jaelin’s journey into midwifery began with a profound love for supporting women through the incredible experience of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Since 2010, she has been dedicated to walking alongside families during these transformative moments, offering guidance, support, and care tailored to each individual’s unique needs. She is a big believer in informed consent and ensures clients are given the best evidence-based information to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.
Married to her high school sweetheart Ted (aka Chef Ted) since 1984, Jaelin is the proud mother of three grown children and the delighted grandmother of one amazing granddaughter. When she’s not assisting in births, Jaelin finds joy in going to the movies with her husband, quilting, and cherishing time with her family. Known by the other midwives in her practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) affectionately as the “Birth Hog,” she brings an unmatched dedication and enthusiasm to her work—no one loves birth quite like she does.
Find out more about Jaelin’s Homebirth Practice (Holistic Heritage Homebirth) in Houston
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